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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Muriel Ithilnor's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, August 2nd, 2012
4:03 pm
You win.

I give up.

I'm not deleting anything, I don't think. I'll leave it all here to be purused, to be a reminder to me.

I'm getting a new phone number, a new facebook, a new Livejournal (which I haven't had to do since I was 15--that old one's still around too). I'm having a talk with Shawn just as soon as I get home, since apparently the reason I will get harrassed is that I haven't told him one thing in my life. I can shut down this part of my life and leave it behind.

I wanted to be left alone. I didn't talk bad about anyone--matter of fact, I didn't talk about anyone in any capacity. I thought it was upsetting to lose a few friends, but I got over it.

And then I was alone, excpet for Jon, through the hardest part of my life. We needed others, but we didn't have anyone. And we made it through anyhow. I can make it through again.

So let it be known that Kitty shut down her old life and birthed a new one today.

Now please leave me alone.
Tuesday, July 24th, 2012
10:58 pm
In which I get most stuff out of my system
(9:15:18 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Hey Kittae..
(9:15:29 PM) sweetmuriel: oh, hi
(9:15:54 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: So..we havent talked in god knows how long. Whats up?
(9:16:13 PM) sweetmuriel: Jon's mom died and he and I got new jobs. That pretty much sums it up = P you?
(9:16:58 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Its just. I remember we kind of lost contact at a bad time. Wasnt sure where I stood with you.
(9:17:32 PM) sweetmuriel: I really don't know.
(9:18:04 PM) sweetmuriel: I was pretty much told by everyone simultaneously that I caused a ton of problems but that also nothing was any of my business = P
(9:20:52 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Its just...I really didnt want to get you involved. I didnt MEAN for you to get involved. When I told you all that stuff I wasnt trying to get you on my side or anything. Mainly I was venting and just kind of giving you a heads up on what was going on between me and Alex so you would know. Me and Alex talked and no were not really friends anymore, But I told him what my problem was stright up. I didnt mince words. I didnt run away.
(9:22:19 PM) sweetmuriel: Okay, then. Two things there. I do my best not to take sides, and that's honestly where I think a lot of the anger came from, because I was honestly trying to get Alex's side hear. I know that's why Shawn exploded at me.
(9:23:04 PM) sweetmuriel: The other thing is that I feel that you stopped talking to me when I pointed out that, according to Shawn's and then Tall John's telling of events, you had been trying to avoid the situation. If that wasn't the case, that's fine, but I wanted the whole story.
(9:24:11 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I was avoiding it for a while. I was being a coward, I admit that. John showed me that. Then I confronted Alex and told him stright up.
(9:24:33 PM) sweetmuriel: at the lunch thing? Alex and John both told me that you said some pretty nasty things about me then.
(9:24:39 PM) sweetmuriel: and that really hurts me.
(9:28:21 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: ...Look. Im gonna be frank here. You did not need to tell be about half the stuff you told me. I DID NOT need to know about the rape that only made things worse for both of us. I felt that you were getting me worked up over things that you and Alex had already settled. To me, You were feeding the fire and expecting me and everyone else to put it out. Im sorry but thats how I feel. You said you told me that stuff because I "needed to know" well I honestly didnt. And I felt Alex had a right to know you told me all that stuff.
(9:29:18 PM) sweetmuriel: Alex knows that everyone knows (except Shawn). I'm very sorry that my sharing a part of myself with you hurt you so much.
(9:29:44 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: You choose a really bad time to share it...
(9:30:14 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I dont take that stuff very lightly.
(9:30:37 PM) sweetmuriel: well let me make it clear. I was only looking to have everyone informed as to why it was such a big point to me. I wasn't expecting anyone to put anything out for me. And no, I don't exactly take my own rape lightly either
(9:32:13 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Its just...When I heard that from you do you know how angry that made me feel. At that point I didnt care how long ago that was..he had hurt a friend of mine..
(9:32:44 PM) sweetmuriel: Yes. I do.
(9:32:49 PM) sweetmuriel: I know the feeling intimately
(9:33:50 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Im just sorry ok..I was having a really hard time with this whole thing. I felt like my life was falling apart. I felt like total shit ok...
(9:34:45 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I dont know what you want me to say..
(9:35:55 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't either. Between you and Stacie and then Shawn blowing up at me, right around the time that Jon's mom went into screaming-all-night pain and then died? I had no one
(9:36:00 PM) sweetmuriel: and I needed you all.
(9:36:11 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't know what I need now.
(9:36:26 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Im...sorry.
(9:36:49 PM) sweetmuriel: it's fine. We can rebuild. It'll just take time.
(9:37:31 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Its just been a real shitty time for all of us..
(9:37:41 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Jacob lost his house
(9:38:33 PM) sweetmuriel: yeah, I read...sucks
(9:41:12 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: But...Im sorry for all that happend to you. I really am. But you know you could have talked to John...or me. And I heard you and Shawn started talking again. Maybe if me and you had talked more things wouldnt have gotten that bad between me and you. Ever since that last conversation we had we never said a word to each other. I didnt know what you even thought of me.
(9:43:14 PM) sweetmuriel: I thought that you hated me and I didn't really know why except that I tried to share some trauma with you so you'd see my point of view, and then I heard you were talking about me behind my back, and then John stopped talking to me too. So frankly, I felt like you'd blocked me from all my friends and I had no idea how to fix it and was in a deep enough depression to not even try. *shrug*
(9:44:47 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: And...im sorry for doing that. I was angry, confused, depressed and looking for a outlet. And that was wrong of me to do..
(9:47:40 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I know now that your wernt trying to make things worse. But in my mind thats what I thought you were doing. I felt you were telling me things like that to make me more pissed at Alex and then trying to force us to make up. That was what kind of urked me. It felt like you didnt care about what I felt, You just wanted me and Alex to make up so things could go back to the way they were.
(9:48:45 PM) sweetmuriel: yeah, somehow Shawn got the idea that I didn't care what he felt either during the whole thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Also, I don't think I'd ever exploit my abuse like that.
(9:48:53 PM) sweetmuriel: it's unfeminist = P
(9:49:59 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I just want you to understand that honestly. Me and Alex are problaby never gonna make up. And im ok with that, I honestly dont see him as someone I could really get along with anyway.
(9:51:27 PM) sweetmuriel: which is fine. Not everyone has to get along
(9:51:56 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: And ive told him as such. Ive moved past it and im ready to get on with my life without worring if I did the right thing or things could have been fixed. By doing that I was giving him to much control over my life. So in all due respect....Fuck em. ^^
(9:52:53 PM) sweetmuriel: k
(9:54:21 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: And you can go right on being friends with him. I certianly wont stop you. Im not stopping anyone.
(9:55:12 PM) sweetmuriel: I know that.
(9:55:29 PM) sweetmuriel: see, I have a lot of friends who don't get along with one another. I've been through these arguments before. = P
(9:55:37 PM) sweetmuriel: they just didn't blow up this hard
(9:56:51 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: And honestly I can be civil with the guy given some time....alot of time..
(9:57:03 PM) sweetmuriel: all of which is fine
(9:57:09 PM) sweetmuriel: but could've been worked out at the beginning of this
(9:58:39 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: To me it just kind of came down to. No mater when or where we did this...it wouldnt have solved anything for long. Yeah he might have gotten the hint for a while but he would have went stright back into it. Nothing we could have done would have been a permanent fix...and thats what I needed.
(10:00:10 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Im not gonna say we DIDNT handle it poorly...cause honestly we did. Im just saying it wouldnt have mattered in the long run.
(10:00:50 PM) sweetmuriel: what would've mattered in the long run would've been handling the problem in a frank and honest manner and then being able to continue civility
(10:01:40 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: That much I wont disaggre with. But no mater how we sliced it, I still wasnt gonna like the guy..
(10:01:55 PM) sweetmuriel: that's fine
(10:03:42 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: And even in our last talk. He still tried to make me feel like the bad guy, He still tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like the lowest form of life ever, Even harder then the last time. But I didnt let if phase me. I just let him try. All that did was make me feel no regret in cutting ties with him.
(10:07:28 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: So yeah. It honesly made me feel better.
(10:07:48 PM) sweetmuriel: good
(10:08:29 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: So...Im honestly glad we had this talk. And again, Im sorry for your lose, Truely sorry.
(10:08:44 PM) sweetmuriel: I'm glad it settled things for you
(10:10:13 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Also, Thanks for helping out Pip. If you need help from me let me know.
(10:10:22 PM) sweetmuriel: Pip?
(10:10:33 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Lane maybe?
(10:10:39 PM) sweetmuriel: oh
(10:10:42 PM) sweetmuriel: cute
(10:10:54 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Wasnt sure what name you got. We call her Pip. XD
(10:11:05 PM) sweetmuriel: neat. Looking forward to her visit?
(10:11:27 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Oh yeah, Its just getting her down here that has proven troublesome. ^^;
(10:11:55 PM) sweetmuriel: well, here's hoping this one goes through
(10:12:13 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Again thanks. Like I said, If you need help im here.
(10:13:28 PM) sweetmuriel: I hope you'll forgive me for not believing that yet = P
(10:13:38 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Fair enough.
(10:45:50 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: And...I also want to say how sorry I am for talking behind your back...no matter what I though that wasnt the right thing to do. I understand if you dont want to forgive me for that. I know im better then that and that was also cowardly.
(10:46:28 PM) sweetmuriel: it really struck me. I've never had someone that I chose to be my friend do that. It's made me scared.
(10:46:33 PM) sweetmuriel: It made me not want to try to fix anything
(10:48:23 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I was venting. I didnt know who to talk to so I was venting. It was stupid and im stupid for doing it..If you just want me to leave you alone I will. You problaby dont want to talk to me right now.
(10:49:34 PM) sweetmuriel: you don't know the situation with, for instance, me and Stacie. I wanted to give us some time and try to rebuild. But now I don't think I can. John has stopped talking to me. For that matter, do you have any idea how much of a hero Snow is to me? She was there for me through all the awful, traumatic parts of my life. And now I don't know what she thinks of me.
(10:50:04 PM) sweetmuriel: I can understand venting but...I have no idea how any of this happened.
(10:50:55 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I...didnt know Snow stopped talking to you...
(10:51:30 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Im a fucking monster...its all my fault...its all my fault..
(10:52:18 PM) sweetmuriel: Snow and I hadn't talking in years before that. I got very excited that she was the one you were dating because I thought that meant she and I could reconnect.
(10:52:27 PM) sweetmuriel: I was getting so damn close to you
(10:52:40 PM) sweetmuriel: you were the only one who would sit and watch ponies with me
(10:53:36 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I wasnt trying to run your name through mud...After that conversation I was confused, I thought you had hated me..I. GOD IM SO STUPID...
(10:53:53 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I fucking hate myself..
(10:54:06 PM) sweetmuriel: stop, that's not a good thing, it's not useful and it won't fix anything...
(10:54:31 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I thought everyone was turning one me...
(10:54:48 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: It felt like no one cared what I thought..
(10:54:54 PM) sweetmuriel: no one wanted that at all. No one was going to turn on you. I've known all these people enough, they'd NEVER do that
(10:55:06 PM) sweetmuriel: well, maybe not never = P
(10:55:41 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Is...is possible to do voice chat..I...kind of want to be able to actually talk..
(10:56:28 PM) sweetmuriel: um. Could we make an appointment for later? When I get even a little weepy I get damn near unintelligable
(10:56:46 PM) sweetmuriel: I used to need pen and paper to talk to John when he and I dated and I got into crying = P
(10:57:59 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Im...getting a little teary on this end too...Im not used to this...I..god damn it....im such a fucking evil person...
(10:58:09 PM) sweetmuriel: not evil
(10:59:19 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: You dont have to talk to me ever again..I can just leave you alone...you didnt deserve this..
(10:59:29 PM) sweetmuriel: that's not what I'm saying I want.
(10:59:34 PM) sweetmuriel: I just want my friends back
(10:59:52 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: What do you want me to do>
(11:00:26 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't know
(11:00:52 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I...need to talk to someone..I feel like the lowest form of life right now..
(11:01:03 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: I just want to die..
(11:01:21 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't want that. I want you to talk to someone.
(11:06:09 PM) sweetmuriel: talk to Shawn
(11:14:51 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Right now.
(11:15:48 PM) sweetmuriel: right now what?
(11:16:29 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Do you want me to talk to him right now?
(11:16:43 PM) sweetmuriel: I think you should. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, of course
(11:18:51 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: Im talking to Snow. She never thought ill of you.
(11:19:24 PM) sweetmuriel: good, talking to her is a wonderful idea. I'm going to go get a shower and wait on Jon to come home.
(11:19:28 PM) sweetmuriel: I'll talk to you later.
(11:19:31 PM) reddugls@bellsouth.net: ok
Sunday, June 24th, 2012
5:57 am
Came downstairs with Jon after a walk around the neighborhood. Deborah is passed out in the floor, non-responsive. I just watched her be put on a stretcher and put in an ambulance. Jon is with her, while I stay here to watch Kathy.

Kathy hit what seems to be an accepted medical problem that tends to mean she needs to be put in a hospice facility, not stay at home any longer. It's an embarrassing problem, and Deborah is very pushy. So earlier today, Kathy slammed Deborah's hand in a door trying to get her to leave her alone.

When Jon and I found Deborah, she was on the floor outside Kathy's room. The bedroom door was locked. I'm a little afraid that Kathy slammed the door on her that hard. If that happened, Kathy doesn't remember it.

When Jon got the door unlocked, Kathy was calmly sitting in her chair, fully dressed and staring at nothing, waiting to be taken to her ex-husband's funeral, which is still a good 8 hours away.

Am I in some kind of death-vortex right now?
Saturday, June 23rd, 2012
4:11 am
I'm in Conyers again, for the funeral of Ed Johnson, Kathy's ex-husband and used to be Jon's step-father. Last weekend I was in Conyers for the funeral of Jon's grandmother, the mother of his dead father. Two deaths that came out of left-field while we were waiting on Kathy's death instead.

I guess it makes a little bit of sense. In Jon's family, the husbands ALWAYS die first. It would've broken tradition for Ed to die before Kathy. Ha.

We get here in Conyers, and the upstairs family (Jon's sister, her husband, and their friends who were over) were playing Peggle, which is stupidly addictive. So we went up there, hi, how are you?, how was your vacation, blah blah blah. We bring up that our stuff has been stored in Ed's house, and they say that we will want to get that out as soon as possible before things go missing. That's fair, Ed let a lot of people store thing on his second floor since he couldn't get up the stairs. I don't know those people. Jon lets her know that we plan to take the free parts of the weekend to move the stuff from there into our room here. Chele pops up with "you're not putting your shit here." ....Um. Yes the fuck we are. We're staying in a goddamned extended-stay hotel to get away from your ass and to have a place to live at all until paychecks start coming in from the new jobs. Jon and I know that it's in Kathy's will that we have use of this house whenever we need it--it's almost like that's how a family is supposed to work. Don't you find it a little fucked up that Jon has to reference that anytime he wants to use the house?

Whatever. Jon took me out for a walk to calm down. Took me to his high school and walked around the grounds, where he pointed out little landmarks and what had changed and all that jazz. Pretty fun.

We get back and Deborah (Kathy's sister) is trying to give medicine to Kathy, so just starting to wake her up. I don't know why she'd have a medicine dose at 3AM, but what do I know?

Kathy sees Jon, starts crying at the sight of him, reaches out to touch his hand....and then starts screaming in pain. Screaming and crying and, since she'd just woken up, mostly unable to tell us outside of gestures (which hurt her more) what's going on. Jon grabbed her hand while Deborah got the immediate-effect morphine. That stuff is a liquid, and apparently it tastes awful enough that Kathy put her hand over her mouth and cried, not wanting to take it at all. So then it was Deborah getting angry, Jon pleading with her to just take the medicine, Deborah then trying to use logic, and eventually Tatiana (Jon's brother's girlfriend) coming in from work and joking with Kathy until she was able to focus elsewhere enough to take the medicine. It was awful... But eventually she didn't hurt anymore.

Me and Tatiana stayed to chatter with her and with each other while Jon and his brother and Deborah took an emotional break from it for a little while. I pointed to her breathing-oxygen-machine-thingy and told her, "Did I mention to you that Ben works at the place they build these? It's the place he got Jon a job at. There's even the possibility that Ben built this one."

She kinda laughed and said, "I hope Ben didn't mess it up."

"Well, his derp tends to come more in social situations, not in mechanical stuff."

And then she smiled up at me, in the clearest voice so far. "Maybe he messed it up enough that it'll kill me and this can just be over with."
Friday, March 30th, 2012
1:49 am
Let's wrap our heads around this one, because it's so convoluted that it's pretty funny.

Jamie and Davydd are dating (I don't care what Jamie says, they are).

Benny is looking to date Izzy, who he met on OKCupid.

Jamie's pictures show up all over Izzy's fetlife account, which I found my pure random chance. She's his owner, it seems.

Davydd doesn't know this, although I think he should because it's his penis after all. Benny doesn't know this yet, I don't think, but I think he should.

Benny and Jamie don't know each other at all.

Problem: Is my wanting to ensure everyone's equally informed-ness going to cause a giant drama llama?

Less of a problem: Do I really care right now?

Each of them should know, most especially Davydd since he's the one with a vested interest. Everyone else should just know because information and communication is good. I have less of a thing of enforcing that on everyone, but Davydd will know this time tomorrow or whenever he wakes up.

I so don't care if it turns into drama because it seems that being friends with Ben takes me back to high school level drama no matter what I do, or what tactic I take anyways. Jon is angry with Ben right now but won't talk to him about it, and Ben doesn't get what the problem was when he was backhandedly insulting Jon the whole time he was talking. I'm rather done with both of them right now, and don't much feel like talking or being affectionate or really anything. I'm sick of both their bullshit when it involves the other.
Monday, March 26th, 2012
7:15 pm
Then Ben calls to have a nice discussion and I scream in his ear over literally nothing. Nice, Kitty, real nice.

Luckily he called back immediately to calm me down and hear my explanation and wasn't a dick about it. Yay for when Ben is a friend.
6:06 pm
It's been a long week.

We've had people over constantly, Stacie arriving at the tail-end of a bad flopsy depression (y'know, where you want to do nothing but sit in silence and stare at the ceiling) so I hadn't had any chores done. Davydd visiting for a few hours turned into a two-night ordeal. I tried to keep it together for most of it, but especially once it turned to unexpected, I had a little trouble.

So last night, at my worst of this, Jon's trying to be joking.

And he tells me my hair makes me look like Miss Piggy.

When he saw the absolutely horrified, mortified look on my face he began apologizing, he didn't mean it, etc. etc. He wasn't trying to be mean, and I believe him. But I've hated this hair since the moment I got it cut, I tried to bleach it to replace my old color with something prettier and it didn't work out right, then I couldn't get the prettier color so it's just been blonde since and I hate it.

I wanted to go out and get it cut today, explain to the stylist that I only have enough for a cut in my pocket right now but I'll be happy to tip her the next time some money comes my way, cry it out, and move on. But all the cars are gone from the house because of the lack of responsibility of other parties and their inability to live within their means and stop, like, buying brand new Harleys when they just lost their jobs and then having to fuck around with everyone else's business because they can't job hunt or whatever.

I have a wig, a dark red curly thing with bangs. I was gonna wear it for a costume ages ago, that didn't happen. I'm gonna go get a shower and put that on and play videogames and read and stuff. Or jog until I can't feel my legs anymore.

I really try to be pretty. I want to be pretty, you know? Not entirely because I want Jon to enjoy me better, but that's part of it too. And then statements like that make me feel like I've failed utterly. Ugh. I'm gross.
Thursday, March 22nd, 2012
12:22 am
Hahahaha, I'm gonna stab myself in the eye.
Wednesday, March 14th, 2012
6:14 pm
Shittily done because it's a copy-paste of a conversation in the facebook chat so I don't have to retype the whole thing:

around 6am, Ben was getting up for work and we were chatting and it came up that I had mentioned to Jon that Ben was still talking to a girl named Lizzy, who he had been banging. Jon said that he hopes that Ben will be honest with Stacie, with no reason not to think so, if he's still banging Lizzy

so....I was getting ready to sleep around 9:30, and Ben called me up..kinda holding himself back from yelling. Apparently I'm not supposed to tell Jon his business, he was pissed but trying to be an adult and work it out before it got too bad. I was crying because I was fucking tired and icky feeling, so he was comforting me by the end of it
and then he basically picks a fight with Zach over a stupid ass joke

he tells me sorry a long while after all that yuck, to tell Zach sorry, but he's been overworked and not getting good sleep because of his nightmares. And then he realized he hadn't told me about his nightmares he's been having. So now I'm cut off from knowing about his dating life because he can't trust me, aaaand he's already not telling me about his nightmares
so I guess I'm just....I don't know
gonna cry all day for one

(Done with that part)

The part about him not telling me about his nightmares? Yeah, I feel very replaced...

Trying not to be angry about this part: Ben told me he treated me like a friend, period at all. But now that he has Stacie to talk to, I'm gone. So he wasn't treating me like a friend--he was treating me like a dating option. So was I being used? I don't know.

I'm also trying to tell that part of my brain to shut up, the part that says "Well duh, Stacie is better than you in every way anyhow. She's smart without the underachievement problems, she's gorgeous and tiny, she's like you when you're happy only better and without the depression." Stacie's your friend, Kitty, shut up.
Sunday, March 11th, 2012
11:46 pm
So I'm back home, but Shawn's still in the hospital. He was supposed to get out Wednesday, then Thursday, then Friday.... They put more tubes in him, restricted his movement more. I'm so scared. I asked why they put the tubes down his nose and throat, he said it was to pump his stomach but he didn't want to talk about why. Bookie lost it at that point--Shawn had been talking to him about to possibility of them having found cancer. We're all floundering, lost, no information and no one to turn to and say "Hey, fix this."

I don't like being at home. I want to be where I can be at the hospital in a maximum of 15 minutes. I want to watch ponies with him and listen to his jokes.

I really wanted to sit and talk with Ben and get it all out too. I think I've basically made my own replacement, though. I introduced Ben and Stacie because they seemed really compatible, and they hit it off amazingly. This made Tall John mad--I'm pretty sure my not seeing Stacie while I was in Florida is a result of that pissiness. But anyhow. I didn't get to talk to Ben much while I was there, and I missed him awfully. I get home, not much talking to him, or the talk is about Stacie--but whatever, he's excited. He sets up his Livestream so I can actually see and hear him, which made me sooo excited.....but then he answers the phone for Stacie, pulls up Skype and starts playing Warcraft with her instead of showing me what he was gonna show me. Didn't respond to me. So....I went to have a cry.

I'm gonna hold out hope that this is just a temporary, puppy-love thing. Same situation as with Bookie and Snow. I would hate to think that all the times Ben said he was treating me as a friend, he was lying. That I lost a close friend because he was still courting me, and he found someone who's single. It hurt worst when he told me in this excited tone, "You and Stacie are like the exact same person!" Which for one, no we're not. We have a lot of differences. She's awesome and I'm awesome (right = P ) but we're very different. But I don't want to be replaced by Stacie just because she's available.

I would also so love it if my male friends would quit thinking with their dicks for like a second. I'm sick of it. Females are people, not just cock receptacles.
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
4:25 am
The moment Shawn told me "I'm going in for surgery", we were packing.

I was so scared. Nothing can hurt Shawn, he's a rock. When we got to the hospital I was suddenly afraid to see him, hooked up to tubes and machines. But it melted away when it was proven and sure that he was okay.

Or he will be okay. He's still not great, it seems.
Saturday, February 11th, 2012
3:22 pm
I had ONE shot of rum with some orange juice in it to make it less disgusting and it turns out I haven't eaten today! It's no-pants-o'clock!
Monday, January 30th, 2012
4:01 pm
So copy-pasting this from my mom's facebook messages to save in case this situation keeps exploding:

Benjamin Thomas Boerner
I just wanted to say it was a pleasure to meet you, and I appreciate you boosting my self esteem a bit. I'm sorry to say that I probably won't ever get a chance to see you again, as Kittae and I have had a falling out. I felt she was perpetually playing the victim and using my patience and kindness, and she violently reacted everytime I said something.

I wish you and yours well, and I hope Jordan has a great birthday. Kittae's a great girl, she really is, I hope you two can work out your differences. I hate seeing a mom and her daughter fight.

4 hours agoKathy Lee
Hey... Thank you for the kind words u are a sweetheart, however i think i need to have a talk with my daughter, i had no idea we were fighting

Benjamin Thomas Boerner
I don't mean to cause any trouble ma'am, but if she won't be friends with me, I desperately hope you two can be closer. If you need any insight, I can tell you what she's told me, but I'd rather stay out of it unless you really need my help.

This is from today, has been going in about two hour intervals. Ugh. I am so ready for this situation to be over.
Saturday, January 28th, 2012
10:23 pm
Writer's Block: ONTD Games Giveaway
Which video game character would you like to have as your real-life BFF? One random response will win a $60 Amazon gift card! [Full contest rules here.] Don't forget to share your favorite gamer moments on at 3 p.m. PST for Free For All Friday (FFAF).

Assuming of course that he didn't die on his way back to Midgar, Zack Fair would be my number one buddy. I mean, he's the kind of guy that would just be awesome to hang out with. He's laid back and thoughtful, but he still gives folks space and knows when to leave aside play and get serious.

I mean, he laid down his life for some random cadet that he didn't know that well. He protected Cloud INSTEAD of giving the soldiers the slip to be back with Aeris. How much more bros before hos can you get?
Thursday, December 15th, 2011
7:42 am
I have been carefully avoiding the realization that I live for nothing right now, but it finally caught up. It caught up when the glee of having all of my Christmas gifts finished, Jon had wrapped them, and his mother had us move them out of the way of whatever it was she wanted. They sat piled on a chair. A miserably small pile. I felt all my happiness just deflate away--these gifts meant the world to me, meant I went out of my way and gave a lot of thought and time (I made a lot of them) to the receiver. They meant money that Jon and I did really need. All in this one miserable pile on a chair.

I spend most of my time now doing nothing. There's only so much in a day you can look for a job in a county where there are no jobs. I can't leave yet, of course. Jon's mother's begging-insulting-begging has reached its limit, but I still can't budge until after the new year. I'm not entirely sure Jon's on board with my exodus yet--it is his mother we're supposed to be taking care of, after all. Jon drowns himself in videogames--I don't have a problem with this and rather wish I could do it too. But it means we don't talk. It means he gets irritated when I try to talk to him. It means I exist in my own little bubble most of the time.

I have amazing friends. I have escape plans. I could exist on the proffered good will for a little while, but what happens if I'm late to the party again? What if I head out to Kennesaw or Newnan or Fernandina and all the jobs dry up again?

I can't even get the money together to take the GRE. All the money I've made at GameStop so far, even if I'd saved every penny, wouldn't be enough to take the test.

Jon has to take a test to work for the police department--$25. Which we almost didn't have when Jon's mother overdrafted his bank account by $600 and then maxed out an empty $900-limit credit card in three days. Because she was stressed and wanted to do something nice for herself. See, when I want to do something nice for myself, I go to Starbucks. If I'm too broke for Starbucks, I buy a couple cheap groceries I've been wanting. Not $1500 worth of....who knows what? Even if it's for Christmas, that is just an incredible, inexcusable amount to take out from under us when we don't even have anything. And now the creditors come calling, just like the school loan people who won't listen when I say I need to defer.

I can't give up but I have to.
Wednesday, December 14th, 2011
10:06 am
Okay, here's hoping the LJ writer's block thing broke the dam maybe a little bit. I've now had zero hours for three weeks at GameStop (why won't they just lay me off?) and I'm panicking. I'm trying put that energy towards bettering myself rather than my normal routine of just fucking worrying and twitching and crying. So I'm trying to get back into writing, back into art, learning other languages again, things like that.

I also need to do this for those days where I wake up and it feels like everything wants to go wrong at once. I have to fight to change my luck, right? I have good friends, who know what to say to me when. I have Christmas handled with over a week to go still. I can't give up yet. I have a lot left to do.

Now I just need to find a place with an eggnog milkshake.
7:19 am
Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays
What is your must-see holiday movie? One random answer will win a $50 Amazon gift card. [Details here]

I guess it doesn't really feel like Christmas until I've seen Home Alone and Home Alone 2, laughing uproariously with my mom and brothers like we've never seen it before.

I saw "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time last year, and it was lovely indeed. The main character has a fun way of muttering most his jokes under his breath that I love.
Friday, October 28th, 2011
10:11 pm
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love giving people things for Christmas, but that holiday invariably comes with a lot of guilt and disappointment, where Halloween doesn't usually come with those strings.

I haven't been able to really celebrate Halloween in college, because I'm usually too busy or poor to be able to do so.

This year it was supposed to be different. I was going to finally start setting up my every-year costume (originally supposed to be a nurse with Scarecrow-like needle-claws). Got closer and that became unfeasible. That's okay, I can make Applejack from My Little Pony with thrift store clothes. I find the perfect hat, but it's too expensive. That's okay, how can I go cheaper? I'll do my hair and clothes with what I already have, and do up my face like a Mexican sugarskull. That takes a dollar's worth of cheap makeup.

I ask Jon about that, and he gives me a nervous look and tells me that we just plain don't have it. That he's sorry he always has to be the one to say no.

Halloween being taken by itself isn't that big of a deal. It's that Halloween feels like my only escape for a long while. Jon's brother is trying to force us out of the house, which would leave his dying mother with no one to take care of her (since Jason's the only other one in the house not working, and he sure isn't going to help). I'm watching his mom's progress in abject terror because I know it's what my mother will be going through come February. Everything's going wrong, everyone's sick, everyone's dying, and....at what point am I supposed to break? I'm already past the point of cutting myself. I've gotten apathetic to the relief even that little bit of pain causes. I think about suicide occassionally, but I have other things that need to be done first, so I don't get around to it. What else am I supposed to do?

I just wanted to have a Halloween...
Thursday, August 25th, 2011
8:06 pm
I have a friend who is a college-age (but not currently in college) male. He is in an abusive household--first at least one of his parents was hitting him, and now the oldest of his younger siblings has found that funny and started doing it too.

He has no job, and he won't be able to get financial aid to go to college until January. He does have a car.

How do I help him? I've given him the number for Project Safe, but he won't call. He's worried about upending his younger siblings lives, even though I told him that the hotline won't make him incriminate anyone.

I gave him a deadline of this weekend before I call the police and/or child protective services. Tick-tock.
Tuesday, August 16th, 2011
4:33 am
In which I vent--don't bother reading
Fun stuff about my icon that I haven't used in forever: When I played FF7 Crisis Core, and Sephiroth uncovered Jenova, she was the same as she had always been with one exception: Her eyes were bright violet and focused directly on Sephiroth's face. This change in the always-the-same scene rattled me (which I loved), since Jenova is depicted everywhere else with her eyes somewhat hidden (like the lens flare)--the fact that eyeballs grow randomly from her body insinuated that she might not even have eyes in her face. They certainly don't move or focus. She's not that human; she has the shape of a human, like a mockery, but nothing that would give her something like a personality. She isn't human, she's a natural disaster. Sephiroth was as misguided in calling her "mother" as he would be to call a hurricane his mother.

So I use Jenova when I feel like my life has gone to hell and there's nothing I can do about it. The Calamity has fallen from the skies.

This was starting to get long so let me not flood the friend's page...

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