Muriel Ithilnor's Journal
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Muriel Ithilnor's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Friday, March 30th, 2012 | | 1:49 am |
Let's wrap our heads around this one, because it's so convoluted that it's pretty funny. Jamie and Davydd are dating (I don't care what Jamie says, they are). Benny is looking to date Izzy, who he met on OKCupid. Jamie's pictures show up all over Izzy's fetlife account, which I found my pure random chance. She's his owner, it seems. Davydd doesn't know this, although I think he should because it's his penis after all. Benny doesn't know this yet, I don't think, but I think he should. Benny and Jamie don't know each other at all. Problem: Is my wanting to ensure everyone's equally informed-ness going to cause a giant drama llama? Less of a problem: Do I really care right now? Each of them should know, most especially Davydd since he's the one with a vested interest. Everyone else should just know because information and communication is good. I have less of a thing of enforcing that on everyone, but Davydd will know this time tomorrow or whenever he wakes up. I so don't care if it turns into drama because it seems that being friends with Ben takes me back to high school level drama no matter what I do, or what tactic I take anyways. Jon is angry with Ben right now but won't talk to him about it, and Ben doesn't get what the problem was when he was backhandedly insulting Jon the whole time he was talking. I'm rather done with both of them right now, and don't much feel like talking or being affectionate or really anything. I'm sick of both their bullshit when it involves the other. | | Monday, March 26th, 2012 | | 7:15 pm |
Then Ben calls to have a nice discussion and I scream in his ear over literally nothing. Nice, Kitty, real nice. Luckily he called back immediately to calm me down and hear my explanation and wasn't a dick about it. Yay for when Ben is a friend. | | 6:06 pm |
It's been a long week. We've had people over constantly, Stacie arriving at the tail-end of a bad flopsy depression (y'know, where you want to do nothing but sit in silence and stare at the ceiling) so I hadn't had any chores done. Davydd visiting for a few hours turned into a two-night ordeal. I tried to keep it together for most of it, but especially once it turned to unexpected, I had a little trouble. So last night, at my worst of this, Jon's trying to be joking. And he tells me my hair makes me look like Miss Piggy. When he saw the absolutely horrified, mortified look on my face he began apologizing, he didn't mean it, etc. etc. He wasn't trying to be mean, and I believe him. But I've hated this hair since the moment I got it cut, I tried to bleach it to replace my old color with something prettier and it didn't work out right, then I couldn't get the prettier color so it's just been blonde since and I hate it. I wanted to go out and get it cut today, explain to the stylist that I only have enough for a cut in my pocket right now but I'll be happy to tip her the next time some money comes my way, cry it out, and move on. But all the cars are gone from the house because of the lack of responsibility of other parties and their inability to live within their means and stop, like, buying brand new Harleys when they just lost their jobs and then having to fuck around with everyone else's business because they can't job hunt or whatever. I have a wig, a dark red curly thing with bangs. I was gonna wear it for a costume ages ago, that didn't happen. I'm gonna go get a shower and put that on and play videogames and read and stuff. Or jog until I can't feel my legs anymore. I really try to be pretty. I want to be pretty, you know? Not entirely because I want Jon to enjoy me better, but that's part of it too. And then statements like that make me feel like I've failed utterly. Ugh. I'm gross. | | Thursday, March 22nd, 2012 | | 12:22 am |
Hahahaha, I'm gonna stab myself in the eye. | | Wednesday, March 14th, 2012 | | 6:14 pm |
Shittily done because it's a copy-paste of a conversation in the facebook chat so I don't have to retype the whole thing: around 6am, Ben was getting up for work and we were chatting and it came up that I had mentioned to Jon that Ben was still talking to a girl named Lizzy, who he had been banging. Jon said that he hopes that Ben will be honest with Stacie, with no reason not to think so, if he's still banging Lizzy so....I was getting ready to sleep around 9:30, and Ben called me up..kinda holding himself back from yelling. Apparently I'm not supposed to tell Jon his business, he was pissed but trying to be an adult and work it out before it got too bad. I was crying because I was fucking tired and icky feeling, so he was comforting me by the end of it and then he basically picks a fight with Zach over a stupid ass joke 6:08pm he tells me sorry a long while after all that yuck, to tell Zach sorry, but he's been overworked and not getting good sleep because of his nightmares. And then he realized he hadn't told me about his nightmares he's been having. So now I'm cut off from knowing about his dating life because he can't trust me, aaaand he's already not telling me about his nightmares so I guess I'm just....I don't know gonna cry all day for one (Done with that part) The part about him not telling me about his nightmares? Yeah, I feel very replaced... Trying not to be angry about this part: Ben told me he treated me like a friend, period at all. But now that he has Stacie to talk to, I'm gone. So he wasn't treating me like a friend--he was treating me like a dating option. So was I being used? I don't know. I'm also trying to tell that part of my brain to shut up, the part that says "Well duh, Stacie is better than you in every way anyhow. She's smart without the underachievement problems, she's gorgeous and tiny, she's like you when you're happy only better and without the depression." Stacie's your friend, Kitty, shut up. | | Sunday, March 11th, 2012 | | 11:46 pm |
So I'm back home, but Shawn's still in the hospital. He was supposed to get out Wednesday, then Thursday, then Friday.... They put more tubes in him, restricted his movement more. I'm so scared. I asked why they put the tubes down his nose and throat, he said it was to pump his stomach but he didn't want to talk about why. Bookie lost it at that point--Shawn had been talking to him about to possibility of them having found cancer. We're all floundering, lost, no information and no one to turn to and say "Hey, fix this." I don't like being at home. I want to be where I can be at the hospital in a maximum of 15 minutes. I want to watch ponies with him and listen to his jokes. I really wanted to sit and talk with Ben and get it all out too. I think I've basically made my own replacement, though. I introduced Ben and Stacie because they seemed really compatible, and they hit it off amazingly. This made Tall John mad--I'm pretty sure my not seeing Stacie while I was in Florida is a result of that pissiness. But anyhow. I didn't get to talk to Ben much while I was there, and I missed him awfully. I get home, not much talking to him, or the talk is about Stacie--but whatever, he's excited. He sets up his Livestream so I can actually see and hear him, which made me sooo excited.....but then he answers the phone for Stacie, pulls up Skype and starts playing Warcraft with her instead of showing me what he was gonna show me. Didn't respond to me. So....I went to have a cry. I'm gonna hold out hope that this is just a temporary, puppy-love thing. Same situation as with Bookie and Snow. I would hate to think that all the times Ben said he was treating me as a friend, he was lying. That I lost a close friend because he was still courting me, and he found someone who's single. It hurt worst when he told me in this excited tone, "You and Stacie are like the exact same person!" Which for one, no we're not. We have a lot of differences. She's awesome and I'm awesome (right = P ) but we're very different. But I don't want to be replaced by Stacie just because she's available. I would also so love it if my male friends would quit thinking with their dicks for like a second. I'm sick of it. Females are people, not just cock receptacles. | | Wednesday, March 7th, 2012 | | 4:25 am |
The moment Shawn told me "I'm going in for surgery", we were packing. I was so scared. Nothing can hurt Shawn, he's a rock. When we got to the hospital I was suddenly afraid to see him, hooked up to tubes and machines. But it melted away when it was proven and sure that he was okay. Or he will be okay. He's still not great, it seems. | | Saturday, February 11th, 2012 | | 3:22 pm |
I had ONE shot of rum with some orange juice in it to make it less disgusting and it turns out I haven't eaten today! It's no-pants-o'clock! | | Monday, January 30th, 2012 | | 4:01 pm |
So copy-pasting this from my mom's facebook messages to save in case this situation keeps exploding: Benjamin Thomas Boerner I just wanted to say it was a pleasure to meet you, and I appreciate you boosting my self esteem a bit. I'm sorry to say that I probably won't ever get a chance to see you again, as Kittae and I have had a falling out. I felt she was perpetually playing the victim and using my patience and kindness, and she violently reacted everytime I said something. I wish you and yours well, and I hope Jordan has a great birthday. Kittae's a great girl, she really is, I hope you two can work out your differences. I hate seeing a mom and her daughter fight. 4 hours agoKathy Lee Hey... Thank you for the kind words u are a sweetheart, however i think i need to have a talk with my daughter, i had no idea we were fighting Benjamin Thomas Boerner I don't mean to cause any trouble ma'am, but if she won't be friends with me, I desperately hope you two can be closer. If you need any insight, I can tell you what she's told me, but I'd rather stay out of it unless you really need my help. This is from today, has been going in about two hour intervals. Ugh. I am so ready for this situation to be over. | | Saturday, January 28th, 2012 | | 10:23 pm |
Writer's Block: ONTD Games Giveaway
Assuming of course that he didn't die on his way back to Midgar, Zack Fair would be my number one buddy. I mean, he's the kind of guy that would just be awesome to hang out with. He's laid back and thoughtful, but he still gives folks space and knows when to leave aside play and get serious. I mean, he laid down his life for some random cadet that he didn't know that well. He protected Cloud INSTEAD of giving the soldiers the slip to be back with Aeris. How much more bros before hos can you get? | | Thursday, December 15th, 2011 | | 7:42 am |
I have been carefully avoiding the realization that I live for nothing right now, but it finally caught up. It caught up when the glee of having all of my Christmas gifts finished, Jon had wrapped them, and his mother had us move them out of the way of whatever it was she wanted. They sat piled on a chair. A miserably small pile. I felt all my happiness just deflate away--these gifts meant the world to me, meant I went out of my way and gave a lot of thought and time (I made a lot of them) to the receiver. They meant money that Jon and I did really need. All in this one miserable pile on a chair. I spend most of my time now doing nothing. There's only so much in a day you can look for a job in a county where there are no jobs. I can't leave yet, of course. Jon's mother's begging-insulting-begging has reached its limit, but I still can't budge until after the new year. I'm not entirely sure Jon's on board with my exodus yet--it is his mother we're supposed to be taking care of, after all. Jon drowns himself in videogames--I don't have a problem with this and rather wish I could do it too. But it means we don't talk. It means he gets irritated when I try to talk to him. It means I exist in my own little bubble most of the time. I have amazing friends. I have escape plans. I could exist on the proffered good will for a little while, but what happens if I'm late to the party again? What if I head out to Kennesaw or Newnan or Fernandina and all the jobs dry up again? I can't even get the money together to take the GRE. All the money I've made at GameStop so far, even if I'd saved every penny, wouldn't be enough to take the test. Jon has to take a test to work for the police department--$25. Which we almost didn't have when Jon's mother overdrafted his bank account by $600 and then maxed out an empty $900-limit credit card in three days. Because she was stressed and wanted to do something nice for herself. See, when I want to do something nice for myself, I go to Starbucks. If I'm too broke for Starbucks, I buy a couple cheap groceries I've been wanting. Not $1500 worth of....who knows what? Even if it's for Christmas, that is just an incredible, inexcusable amount to take out from under us when we don't even have anything. And now the creditors come calling, just like the school loan people who won't listen when I say I need to defer. I can't give up but I have to. | | Wednesday, December 14th, 2011 | | 10:06 am |
Okay, here's hoping the LJ writer's block thing broke the dam maybe a little bit. I've now had zero hours for three weeks at GameStop (why won't they just lay me off?) and I'm panicking. I'm trying put that energy towards bettering myself rather than my normal routine of just fucking worrying and twitching and crying. So I'm trying to get back into writing, back into art, learning other languages again, things like that. I also need to do this for those days where I wake up and it feels like everything wants to go wrong at once. I have to fight to change my luck, right? I have good friends, who know what to say to me when. I have Christmas handled with over a week to go still. I can't give up yet. I have a lot left to do. Now I just need to find a place with an eggnog milkshake. | | 7:19 am |
Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays
I guess it doesn't really feel like Christmas until I've seen Home Alone and Home Alone 2, laughing uproariously with my mom and brothers like we've never seen it before. I saw "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time last year, and it was lovely indeed. The main character has a fun way of muttering most his jokes under his breath that I love. | | Friday, October 28th, 2011 | | 10:11 pm |
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I love giving people things for Christmas, but that holiday invariably comes with a lot of guilt and disappointment, where Halloween doesn't usually come with those strings. I haven't been able to really celebrate Halloween in college, because I'm usually too busy or poor to be able to do so. This year it was supposed to be different. I was going to finally start setting up my every-year costume (originally supposed to be a nurse with Scarecrow-like needle-claws). Got closer and that became unfeasible. That's okay, I can make Applejack from My Little Pony with thrift store clothes. I find the perfect hat, but it's too expensive. That's okay, how can I go cheaper? I'll do my hair and clothes with what I already have, and do up my face like a Mexican sugarskull. That takes a dollar's worth of cheap makeup. I ask Jon about that, and he gives me a nervous look and tells me that we just plain don't have it. That he's sorry he always has to be the one to say no. Halloween being taken by itself isn't that big of a deal. It's that Halloween feels like my only escape for a long while. Jon's brother is trying to force us out of the house, which would leave his dying mother with no one to take care of her (since Jason's the only other one in the house not working, and he sure isn't going to help). I'm watching his mom's progress in abject terror because I know it's what my mother will be going through come February. Everything's going wrong, everyone's sick, everyone's dying, and....at what point am I supposed to break? I'm already past the point of cutting myself. I've gotten apathetic to the relief even that little bit of pain causes. I think about suicide occassionally, but I have other things that need to be done first, so I don't get around to it. What else am I supposed to do? I just wanted to have a Halloween... | | Thursday, August 25th, 2011 | | 8:06 pm |
I have a friend who is a college-age (but not currently in college) male. He is in an abusive household--first at least one of his parents was hitting him, and now the oldest of his younger siblings has found that funny and started doing it too. He has no job, and he won't be able to get financial aid to go to college until January. He does have a car. How do I help him? I've given him the number for Project Safe, but he won't call. He's worried about upending his younger siblings lives, even though I told him that the hotline won't make him incriminate anyone. I gave him a deadline of this weekend before I call the police and/or child protective services. Tick-tock. | | Tuesday, August 16th, 2011 | | 4:33 am |
In which I vent--don't bother reading
Fun stuff about my icon that I haven't used in forever: When I played FF7 Crisis Core, and Sephiroth uncovered Jenova, she was the same as she had always been with one exception: Her eyes were bright violet and focused directly on Sephiroth's face. This change in the always-the-same scene rattled me (which I loved), since Jenova is depicted everywhere else with her eyes somewhat hidden (like the lens flare)--the fact that eyeballs grow randomly from her body insinuated that she might not even have eyes in her face. They certainly don't move or focus. She's not that human; she has the shape of a human, like a mockery, but nothing that would give her something like a personality. She isn't human, she's a natural disaster. Sephiroth was as misguided in calling her "mother" as he would be to call a hurricane his mother. So I use Jenova when I feel like my life has gone to hell and there's nothing I can do about it. The Calamity has fallen from the skies. This was starting to get long so let me not flood the friend's page... ( Read more... ) | | Sunday, July 31st, 2011 | | 4:37 am |
Ants
I am being punished for my laziness with a plague of ants. When I went to move out of the Carrollton Orchard house--the place I was finally happy in Carrollton, surrounded by friends that I didn't pay enough attention to--there were ants everywhere. We tried to remove a hydrangea one of our friends had planted there, a shrub that had grown huge and vigorous, but ants had moved in. My youngest brother and I had to run in the house and remove our clothes there were so many ants. I still got bit enough that I was covered in blisters and my feet swelled, and my brother fared no better. We get here, and there are already ants sending out little scout troops, searching for bits of food but especially water, judging by the way they swarm the sink. I didn't think anything of it at the time, since this house tends to have small problems with ants here and there and Jon's mom told us they were in between pesticide applications anyhow. My Sammy, my last little gerbil, my little old man with his grey snout, has been having trouble. He tricked me once by making me think he was dead when he was only sleeping--we had a good laugh over that, and Jon explained that it was probably the same as trying to wake up any other deaf old man. But Sammy's been sleeping a lot, which I attributed to the fact that he's been able to feast on delicious foods instead of waiting until I have the money to get him something or scrounge up a handful of nuts and veggies. Today we checked on him, and he was curled up in a tight ball and breathing hard. His eyes wouldn't open, and he could only barely acknowledge outside stimulus. He couldn't swallow water, though he tried. After giving him as best an examination as I could, I discovered he had a hernia and sort of split open. This isn't uncommon amongst rodents, so all I could do was try and keep him company. Jon tried to move him to examine him more closely, and then we discovered it: ants. Ants bothering him from inside the bedding, entering from the underside of the small cardboard box he was in for travel purposes. Ants harrying him as he died, making him give little twitches of pain. I asked Jon if there was any way we could put him out of his misery, since he had already been suffering for hours upon hours. Jon had the idea of giving him to his brother's snakes. I liked the idea of his body going to use, but I wanted the death to be quick. His brother assured me that it would be, with the snakes needing a feeding pretty badly. I didn't witness it, but Jon said that it was over in less than a second, like the snake knew that a quick neck-break was what was needed. I only hope Sammy wasn't afraid, since he was in Jon's familiar hands until that moment. Now I'm trying to clean up, and make a storage room habitable for me and Jon. Ants crawl all over his mom's cleaning products and swarm around my feet, biting cheerfully. I get frustrated since I need to read labels on her stuff, and I get new bites every time I pause. I go to the garage, to our pile of crap we decided not to throw out, to find my own cleaning products since I know what they all do already. ANTS! Ants everywhere, biting me while I try to delicately pick out my spray bottles and scrub brush. While I type, I keep seeing little scouting parties scurrying across the table, single bugs tracing the outlines of furniture or half-full cups. I hate them, and I'm afraid of them. I think they're sent to keep me jumping, to keep me working, to nip at my heels and make me run instead of languish. But I can't help feeling like they're something else. I hate myself for letting them get to Sammy the one time he needed me to protect him. The hateful insects stole away my pet, the one tiny furry comfort I had left, but they also made him hurt as he died. I mean, Sammy was old, and he was injured. He was a year over a gerbil's normal life span, but he was rather vigorous if deaf and slow to wake up. But they hurt him, they hurt my brother, they hurt me. I hate ants. | | Wednesday, July 27th, 2011 | | 5:08 am |
Mesila has told me what Lilith and Choronzon have spoken of. I got excited, I got giddy, I got a sense of purpose, I got a mental image of exactly what I want my finished product to be. I could hear the ringing of the brass wings, a sound I've been denied due to my own horrible actions, feel that bit of divine attention and suddenly didn't feel so cut-off, so alone in this reality. I told Ben about it. He told me it had been a while since he had felt real fear. He signed off. I didn't think I had friends like that anymore. I am...crushed. | | Wednesday, July 20th, 2011 | | 2:11 am |
Tales of MU game--Week Two: Raii and Grim
Sorry to spam your pages, guys. I've been working up to this and I want to get it out while it's still the source of my motivation. It'll be over soon, I hope! Before the next class session, I put into action the personal roleplay sessions for each player. (Please keep in mind that many of these characters belong to Alexandra Erin, and she writes them MUCH better than I do! Especially when I'm trying to ad-lib most of what they're saying.) It starts with Raii: Raii is on his way back from class when he is passing through a nice paved square that is surrounded with trees and small shrubs. As he's exiting the square, he hears a man behind him call out, "Hey, golem!" Raii knows enough Pax (common or English specific to this world, essentially) to know that he isn't a golem and the voice isn't addressing him, but he turns to see what's happening. A girl with blond hair and a series of runes inscribed in her forehead had been entering the square but stopped, carrying her books tightly against her chest with her eyes lowered. A male human with messy hair is lazily jogging to catch up to her, a doofy grin on his face. Raii can tell that the two don't know each other, and his curiosity gets the better of him--he steps behind a tree to keep himself out of view, but neither of them are paying him any attention anyways. "Hey, girl, where are you going?" the guy asks. The runed girl--the golem--mutters something about heading back from class. "You have to do what I tell you, don't you?" The girl's face remains blank and she says nothing. The guys leans in close to her, the grin sleazy on his face, and a shiver goes up Raii's spine. ( Read more... ) | | Sunday, July 17th, 2011 | | 8:34 pm |
Tales of MU game--Week One Part Two
Professor Callahan is standing at the entrance of the Labyrinth. The heavy wooden double doors are open, revealing what appears to be a sunny, carefully manicured hedge maze. "How many of you know about the Labyrinth already? Ugh, it's never all of them, that would be too easy. Alright, snots, listen up or just reread the school's brochure. The Labyrinth has always been here. It's more magic than any of our little brains can handle thinking about. We can sort of predict and even control the outer stuff, but the deeper you go, the weirder stuff gets. Each group will get a monitoring device. Keep it safe, because if you lose it you're fucked. You can talk to me or whoever's listening, or you can press down on the red part to pull your party out of there. However, using it outside of an emergency will reflect on your grade. Everyone needs to touch it now to calibrate it and make it work right." She passes out four objects, one to each group. It's a red glass orb in a gold-colored setting. The player group each lays a hand on it, before Kestrel puts it in an inside pocket of his jacket--a pocket marked with a "Say NO to meteors!" patch. ( Read more... ) |
[ << Previous 20 ]
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}
faeriemuriel's journal
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.1){kind=small}