In which I get most stuff out of my system
(9:15:18 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Hey Kittae..
(9:15:29 PM) sweetmuriel: oh, hi
(9:15:54 PM) email@example.com: So..we havent talked in god knows how long. Whats up?
(9:16:13 PM) sweetmuriel: Jon's mom died and he and I got new jobs. That pretty much sums it up = P you?
(9:16:58 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Its just. I remember we kind of lost contact at a bad time. Wasnt sure where I stood with you.
(9:17:32 PM) sweetmuriel: I really don't know.
(9:18:04 PM) sweetmuriel: I was pretty much told by everyone simultaneously that I caused a ton of problems but that also nothing was any of my business = P
(9:20:52 PM) email@example.com: Its just...I really didnt want to get you involved. I didnt MEAN for you to get involved. When I told you all that stuff I wasnt trying to get you on my side or anything. Mainly I was venting and just kind of giving you a heads up on what was going on between me and Alex so you would know. Me and Alex talked and no were not really friends anymore, But I told him what my problem was stright up. I didnt mince words. I didnt run away.
(9:22:19 PM) sweetmuriel: Okay, then. Two things there. I do my best not to take sides, and that's honestly where I think a lot of the anger came from, because I was honestly trying to get Alex's side hear. I know that's why Shawn exploded at me.
(9:23:04 PM) sweetmuriel: The other thing is that I feel that you stopped talking to me when I pointed out that, according to Shawn's and then Tall John's telling of events, you had been trying to avoid the situation. If that wasn't the case, that's fine, but I wanted the whole story.
(9:24:11 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: I was avoiding it for a while. I was being a coward, I admit that. John showed me that. Then I confronted Alex and told him stright up.
(9:24:33 PM) sweetmuriel: at the lunch thing? Alex and John both told me that you said some pretty nasty things about me then.
(9:24:39 PM) sweetmuriel: and that really hurts me.
(9:28:21 PM) email@example.com: ...Look. Im gonna be frank here. You did not need to tell be about half the stuff you told me. I DID NOT need to know about the rape that only made things worse for both of us. I felt that you were getting me worked up over things that you and Alex had already settled. To me, You were feeding the fire and expecting me and everyone else to put it out. Im sorry but thats how I feel. You said you told me that stuff because I "needed to know" well I honestly didnt. And I felt Alex had a right to know you told me all that stuff.
(9:29:18 PM) sweetmuriel: Alex knows that everyone knows (except Shawn). I'm very sorry that my sharing a part of myself with you hurt you so much.
(9:29:44 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: You choose a really bad time to share it...
(9:30:14 PM) email@example.com: I dont take that stuff very lightly.
(9:30:37 PM) sweetmuriel: well let me make it clear. I was only looking to have everyone informed as to why it was such a big point to me. I wasn't expecting anyone to put anything out for me. And no, I don't exactly take my own rape lightly either
(9:32:13 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Its just...When I heard that from you do you know how angry that made me feel. At that point I didnt care how long ago that was..he had hurt a friend of mine..
(9:32:44 PM) sweetmuriel: Yes. I do.
(9:32:49 PM) sweetmuriel: I know the feeling intimately
(9:33:50 PM) email@example.com: Im just sorry ok..I was having a really hard time with this whole thing. I felt like my life was falling apart. I felt like total shit ok...
(9:34:45 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: I dont know what you want me to say..
(9:35:55 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't either. Between you and Stacie and then Shawn blowing up at me, right around the time that Jon's mom went into screaming-all-night pain and then died? I had no one
(9:36:00 PM) sweetmuriel: and I needed you all.
(9:36:11 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't know what I need now.
(9:36:26 PM) email@example.com: Im...sorry.
(9:36:49 PM) sweetmuriel: it's fine. We can rebuild. It'll just take time.
(9:37:31 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Its just been a real shitty time for all of us..
(9:37:41 PM) email@example.com: Jacob lost his house
(9:38:33 PM) sweetmuriel: yeah, I read...sucks
(9:41:12 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: But...Im sorry for all that happend to you. I really am. But you know you could have talked to John...or me. And I heard you and Shawn started talking again. Maybe if me and you had talked more things wouldnt have gotten that bad between me and you. Ever since that last conversation we had we never said a word to each other. I didnt know what you even thought of me.
(9:43:14 PM) sweetmuriel: I thought that you hated me and I didn't really know why except that I tried to share some trauma with you so you'd see my point of view, and then I heard you were talking about me behind my back, and then John stopped talking to me too. So frankly, I felt like you'd blocked me from all my friends and I had no idea how to fix it and was in a deep enough depression to not even try. *shrug*
(9:44:47 PM) email@example.com: And...im sorry for doing that. I was angry, confused, depressed and looking for a outlet. And that was wrong of me to do..
(9:47:40 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: I know now that your wernt trying to make things worse. But in my mind thats what I thought you were doing. I felt you were telling me things like that to make me more pissed at Alex and then trying to force us to make up. That was what kind of urked me. It felt like you didnt care about what I felt, You just wanted me and Alex to make up so things could go back to the way they were.
(9:48:45 PM) sweetmuriel: yeah, somehow Shawn got the idea that I didn't care what he felt either during the whole thing. Nothing could be further from the truth. Also, I don't think I'd ever exploit my abuse like that.
(9:48:53 PM) sweetmuriel: it's unfeminist = P
(9:49:59 PM) email@example.com: I just want you to understand that honestly. Me and Alex are problaby never gonna make up. And im ok with that, I honestly dont see him as someone I could really get along with anyway.
(9:51:27 PM) sweetmuriel: which is fine. Not everyone has to get along
(9:51:56 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: And ive told him as such. Ive moved past it and im ready to get on with my life without worring if I did the right thing or things could have been fixed. By doing that I was giving him to much control over my life. So in all due respect....Fuck em. ^^
(9:52:53 PM) sweetmuriel: k
(9:54:21 PM) email@example.com: And you can go right on being friends with him. I certianly wont stop you. Im not stopping anyone.
(9:55:12 PM) sweetmuriel: I know that.
(9:55:29 PM) sweetmuriel: see, I have a lot of friends who don't get along with one another. I've been through these arguments before. = P
(9:55:37 PM) sweetmuriel: they just didn't blow up this hard
(9:56:51 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: And honestly I can be civil with the guy given some time....alot of time..
(9:57:03 PM) sweetmuriel: all of which is fine
(9:57:09 PM) sweetmuriel: but could've been worked out at the beginning of this
(9:58:39 PM) email@example.com: To me it just kind of came down to. No mater when or where we did this...it wouldnt have solved anything for long. Yeah he might have gotten the hint for a while but he would have went stright back into it. Nothing we could have done would have been a permanent fix...and thats what I needed.
(10:00:10 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Im not gonna say we DIDNT handle it poorly...cause honestly we did. Im just saying it wouldnt have mattered in the long run.
(10:00:50 PM) sweetmuriel: what would've mattered in the long run would've been handling the problem in a frank and honest manner and then being able to continue civility
(10:01:40 PM) email@example.com: That much I wont disaggre with. But no mater how we sliced it, I still wasnt gonna like the guy..
(10:01:55 PM) sweetmuriel: that's fine
(10:03:42 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: And even in our last talk. He still tried to make me feel like the bad guy, He still tried to turn it around on me and make me feel like the lowest form of life ever, Even harder then the last time. But I didnt let if phase me. I just let him try. All that did was make me feel no regret in cutting ties with him.
(10:07:28 PM) email@example.com: So yeah. It honesly made me feel better.
(10:07:48 PM) sweetmuriel: good
(10:08:29 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: So...Im honestly glad we had this talk. And again, Im sorry for your lose, Truely sorry.
(10:08:44 PM) sweetmuriel: I'm glad it settled things for you
(10:10:13 PM) email@example.com: Also, Thanks for helping out Pip. If you need help from me let me know.
(10:10:22 PM) sweetmuriel: Pip?
(10:10:33 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Lane maybe?
(10:10:39 PM) sweetmuriel: oh
(10:10:42 PM) sweetmuriel: cute
(10:10:54 PM) email@example.com: Wasnt sure what name you got. We call her Pip. XD
(10:11:05 PM) sweetmuriel: neat. Looking forward to her visit?
(10:11:27 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Oh yeah, Its just getting her down here that has proven troublesome. ^^;
(10:11:55 PM) sweetmuriel: well, here's hoping this one goes through
(10:12:13 PM) email@example.com: Again thanks. Like I said, If you need help im here.
(10:13:28 PM) sweetmuriel: I hope you'll forgive me for not believing that yet = P
(10:13:38 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Fair enough.
(10:45:50 PM) email@example.com: And...I also want to say how sorry I am for talking behind your back...no matter what I though that wasnt the right thing to do. I understand if you dont want to forgive me for that. I know im better then that and that was also cowardly.
(10:46:28 PM) sweetmuriel: it really struck me. I've never had someone that I chose to be my friend do that. It's made me scared.
(10:46:33 PM) sweetmuriel: It made me not want to try to fix anything
(10:48:23 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: I was venting. I didnt know who to talk to so I was venting. It was stupid and im stupid for doing it..If you just want me to leave you alone I will. You problaby dont want to talk to me right now.
(10:49:34 PM) sweetmuriel: you don't know the situation with, for instance, me and Stacie. I wanted to give us some time and try to rebuild. But now I don't think I can. John has stopped talking to me. For that matter, do you have any idea how much of a hero Snow is to me? She was there for me through all the awful, traumatic parts of my life. And now I don't know what she thinks of me.
(10:50:04 PM) sweetmuriel: I can understand venting but...I have no idea how any of this happened.
(10:50:55 PM) email@example.com: I...didnt know Snow stopped talking to you...
(10:51:30 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Im a fucking monster...its all my fault...its all my fault..
(10:52:18 PM) sweetmuriel: Snow and I hadn't talking in years before that. I got very excited that she was the one you were dating because I thought that meant she and I could reconnect.
(10:52:27 PM) sweetmuriel: I was getting so damn close to you
(10:52:40 PM) sweetmuriel: you were the only one who would sit and watch ponies with me
(10:53:36 PM) email@example.com: I wasnt trying to run your name through mud...After that conversation I was confused, I thought you had hated me..I. GOD IM SO STUPID...
(10:53:53 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: I fucking hate myself..
(10:54:06 PM) sweetmuriel: stop, that's not a good thing, it's not useful and it won't fix anything...
(10:54:31 PM) email@example.com: I thought everyone was turning one me...
(10:54:48 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: It felt like no one cared what I thought..
(10:54:54 PM) sweetmuriel: no one wanted that at all. No one was going to turn on you. I've known all these people enough, they'd NEVER do that
(10:55:06 PM) sweetmuriel: well, maybe not never = P
(10:55:41 PM) email@example.com: Is...is possible to do voice chat..I...kind of want to be able to actually talk..
(10:56:28 PM) sweetmuriel: um. Could we make an appointment for later? When I get even a little weepy I get damn near unintelligable
(10:56:46 PM) sweetmuriel: I used to need pen and paper to talk to John when he and I dated and I got into crying = P
(10:57:59 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Im...getting a little teary on this end too...Im not used to this...I..god damn it....im such a fucking evil person...
(10:58:09 PM) sweetmuriel: not evil
(10:59:19 PM) email@example.com: You dont have to talk to me ever again..I can just leave you alone...you didnt deserve this..
(10:59:29 PM) sweetmuriel: that's not what I'm saying I want.
(10:59:34 PM) sweetmuriel: I just want my friends back
(10:59:52 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: What do you want me to do>
(11:00:26 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't know
(11:00:52 PM) email@example.com: I...need to talk to someone..I feel like the lowest form of life right now..
(11:01:03 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: I just want to die..
(11:01:21 PM) sweetmuriel: I don't want that. I want you to talk to someone.
(11:06:09 PM) sweetmuriel: talk to Shawn
(11:14:51 PM) email@example.com: Right now.
(11:15:48 PM) sweetmuriel: right now what?
(11:16:29 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: Do you want me to talk to him right now?
(11:16:43 PM) sweetmuriel: I think you should. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, of course
(11:18:51 PM) email@example.com: Im talking to Snow. She never thought ill of you.
(11:19:24 PM) sweetmuriel: good, talking to her is a wonderful idea. I'm going to go get a shower and wait on Jon to come home.
(11:19:28 PM) sweetmuriel: I'll talk to you later.
(11:19:31 PM) firstname.lastname@example.org: ok